confuse

yesh,am blogging about him again.

trying to express how confuse am i.

im sorry for still hadn't moved on

still stucked in the dilemma.

i tried very hard to live a normal life

or i mean life before you owned my heart

but everything doesn't work so well

my life now is still occupied with insomnism

hadn't really sleep for a long time

is much more worse than before

to distract myself,

i picked up my unfinished twilight new moon novel

which i have abandoned since last year

instead of taking up phones

flipping the lids to check whether there's any message i missed.

everyday before sleeping,i'll read like one or two chapters

i was always a big yes supporter for edward cullen

but after i read it,i'm on jacob's

when bella's in dilemma,

jacob do everything he could to bring bella back to life

but he was dumped after the edward's back.

that's really unfair.i don't like it.

i don't know,when i was reading,

i could smile sweetly at jacob's sincerity

but when edward's back

the memories and flashback haunted me.

because i know my used-to-be edward is not coming back anymore.

since he left,i hadn't have anymore blushes on me.

i don't blush,and i don't even feel my heart beating.

and there's a hole there in my chest. 

whenever it's triggered,it aches.

i cant feel like im living.

but when i find that,he's not feeling the way i did

and he's already moved on,put everything behind him

i feel angry.and i told myself i have to be strong,

and i'll make him regret for his life.

and that i will tell the friends not to worry about me.

i've hidden his posts at facebook,

so that i don't get the chance to feel bad.

but still,i will uncontrollably click on his page

and then.my heart aches.

i don't want anybody to see this,

i don't want u all to worry.but i'm reallly..

i kept thinking about our story,

how he promised,and how he ended.

it seems like the breaking up reasons are not tally.

he's hiding something.

is..is he for real at that instant?

or he lies all the time?

i would rather believe that he changed than i only understand him now

i sometimes even comfort myself,nothing  matters,
the most important that he's true at the time.
trying so hard to make this story ended beautifully.
maybe you all would say

is it necessary to feel so down for him?

do you really fell that deep?

and what i can say is,

yes, i did.

i can now tell exactly how bella feels when edward left her.

he appeared in my dreams again.

telling me he's after the boss's daughter .WTH?

okay,i asked him to take care and im not there for him anymore?WTH WTH??

omg.stupid dream.anyhow, he's the first image i could see after awake.

and then his name swim across my mind all day long.

there's nothing i could do.

i don't know,

maybe it's because my subconcious is still calling for him.

he's still not out of the rage yet.

one tiny piece of me still have a tiny hope on him

and each time it builds and wrecked itself after reading his posts,and builds again.
maybe,just a lil piece.
it's not easy, i have him each time i feel down
but im all alone now,getting through the swamp is not easy at all.
but im learning,i know i will be okay,
the hardest part has passed,
but just the lil more pain i have to bear with.

and another big piece of me is telling that im fear.

fear. i don't dare to love anymore.

life goes on, it will soon be better.

i know im the best. 
i was just afraid i have no more excuses
to miss you.